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Still can’t believe it

boy — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 15:56:03 +0000

After all these years, i am finally collared! i’m still on cloud nine.

What’s that, you say?….you were already owned, so what’s the difference? Isn’t a collar just a symbol of ownership? Did you really need that symbol to validate your servitude?

To me a collar is indeed a symbol. But it’s a symbol of so much more than ” just” Her ownership. When i first surrendered to LadyHotchKiss, i knew that my submission was the first step toward slavery. That if my submission led to the conclusion that i was not suited for slavery that i would be released, but that if my submission was successful, i would become a slave, and so it has happened. In that sense, my initial surrender was an act of mine that led inexorably to becoming a slave. Yes, LadyHotchKiss was a part of the process. i surrendered, She accepted. Much like a gift… i gave, She accepted.

The collar, on the other hand, is Her gift to me. She gave, i accepted. It is a symbol of Her ownership, yes. But it is also a symbol of Her commitment to the relationship. It is a validation, not just of my servitude, but of my worthiness to serve. It is a tactile measure of the extent to which i have been able to please Her in my servitude. It is a proclamation that i am not just property, but that i am valued, even cherished. Did i “need” the collar to validate my service to Her? No. But i am thrilled beyond measure and will wear it with great pride at every opportunity.

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Something other than Sub-space?

boy — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 14:09:03 +0000

i’ve written before about sub-space and quite a large percentage of active submissives have experienced it for themselves. Some Dom/mes report entering Dom-space as well. Last play-time, i entered a whole new area of head-space which can’t properly be called sub-space but which certainly was out of the ordinary.Sub-space, for me, is reaching a state of sensory overload where my mind seems to go elsewhere (can’t describe it any better than that) and the physical sensations i’m experiencing, such as pain, seem to subside to the point where i no longer react as i normally would. The week before last, LadyH was experimenting with sounds combined with electrical play. She was stimulating my prostate electrically while using the sounds and the sensations were incredibly intense, but not painful. Without the pain, i was able to focus on the stimulation completely (able?…i had absolutely no choice, lol) . It eventually got to the point where my entire consciousness was focused on what what happening in my genital area…so much so, that i was completely unaware of anything else around me. Unlike sub-space, my mind did not go “elsewhere”, but stayed right there, tightly focused on what was happening. i can only describe it as my mind expanding to completely encompass, to the exclusion of all else, the sensations playing out at Her hand) And the physical sensations, rather than being dulled, were heightened to a previously unexperienced level. i can’t say that this new state was better or worse than my typical sub-space, only that it was different and was just as enjoyable. The aftermath was similar to coming back from sub-space in that i was not entirely aware of my surroundings and had to be helped from the table to a chair where LadyH coddled and cuddled me until i was somewhat back to normal. i am hoping that this experience will help me to more fully explore “letting go” during playtime so that i may more fully experience and savor the sensations playing through my body.

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Orgasms

boy — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 15:37:08 +0000

LadyHotchKiss requires that i report to Her each time i have an orgasm, so this time i thought i’d share with my readers. As most of you know, i’ve been undergoing a series of experiments at the hands of LadyH concerning orgasm control and orgasm denial which have produced some interesting results. One of those results came from Her requirement that i slap my cock and balls while edging. i came to realize fairly quickly that it produced a stronger erection and when She finally allowed me a release, it also helped produce and incredibly intense orgasm. Since then, whenever i am either edging (without release) or masturbating, i slap and punch my cock and balls as i do so. The pleasure/pain contrast is delicious.
So, this morning i decided i would masturbate and as is my habit, began edging while taking a shower. This included the slapping and punching mentioned, but i also tried pulling on my balls, which normally i hate. Once again the erection strengthened. i continued edging when i got out of the shower and while i was shaving, using shaving cream as my lubricant (i think there is nothing better than shaving cream on a wet cock as lube for masturbating). When i was finally ready to cum, i decided to continue the cbt while i was cumming and so, slapped and punched myself some more. Then i decided to try pulling on my balls while cumming. Big mistake. Oh, i came all right…but there was no orgasm! i ruined my own orgasm after waiting three days to have one!

LIVE AND LEARN.

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Orgasm Control – Part V

boy — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 21:21:39 +0000

This is the latest in a series written about my experiences with orgasm control and denial at the hands of Lady HotchKiss. As my readers know, i recently completed two extended periods of orgasm denial (at least they seemed extended to me, i understand others have gone far longer). The first of those lasted 74 days and the second was 49 days. The second was the more frustrating however because i was made to “edge” every day and to slap my cock and balls while edging. Once again, when it was finally over, i experienced a most incredible orgasm. i told LadyH at the time that it felt almost painful, as though my balls were trying to escape through my cock.This time around, the orgasm control is no control at all. i am free to release whenever and as often as i wish until further notice. Of course, further notice could occur at any time so i kinda/sorta expected that i’d be a busy little beaver, getting as many orgasms in as possible before that door closes again, but…surprise, surprise…i have gotten used to lapses between releases and except for the first day when i released twice, i really havent had much desire to release. And i also discovered that i missed edging and slapping my cock and balls so i suspect those will become a regular part of my masturbatory routine (unless, of course, She prohibits it, which i would not put past her oh-so-sadistic mind). At any rate, today i was starting to feel a bit horny and almost released during my shower, but at the last possible moment i realized that i am to see Her tomorrow morning, and as i never know what She might have in store for me, decided to wait. i can always take care of business after O/our visit. So today was a case of self-imposed edging, slapping and finally denial. She has completely invaded my mind.

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Orgasm Control-Part III

boy — Tue, 04 May 2010 13:19:12 +0000

Orgasm Denial….arggghhhhh….dreaded words to a sub/slave. It’s not that we can’t go without an orgasm for a certain period of time, it’s that so much of what we do is sensual in nature. Combine the sensual/sexual nature of what we do with an edict that one may not have an orgasm does serve to heighten the sensuality, but it also produces, at least in males, an unpleasant physiological response commonly referred to as “blue balls”. i know, i know. Many of you think of blue balls as merely a myth. But i’m here to verify that it is much more than a myth. There is a heavy achy feeling that settles into the balls and groin area after a few days and it begins to grow in strength the longer one is kept in denial. The achiness is only relieved by a release of built up fluids. Now, i’m no doctor, so i don’t know if it’s primarily related to a fluid build up in the prostate or in the testes. i just know that the ache doesn’t go away, in fact only intensifies, until i have a release of some sort.

This last episode of orgasm denial lasted 74 days!! A record for me, and yes i know that many of you have gone far longer. But i can’t speak to going far longer since i haven’t been there (yet). i can only speak to what i’ve experienced, and let me assure you, i believe 74 days is quite long enough, thank you very much. The last few weeks of this period of denial were complicated by the fact that my Owner had me “edge” every morning. Edging is the practice of bringing oneself to the very edge of orgasm, then backing off. This practice very definitely affected the severity of my case of blue balls. By the time LadyH relented and allowed me to release, i was extremely uncomfortable most of every day. Of course, now that i have released, i am once again prohibited from doing so unless and until She allows it. Oh, and this time, i have to edge right from the start.
The day She relented, She told me that i could release the next morning. i spent all of that day anticipating the next morning. When the time finally came, i followed my normal routine, all the way to the point of edging, not just once, but a number of times, before i allowed myself to fall off that precipice. Even though i was merely masturbating, it was one of the most intense orgasms i have ever experienced. It seemed to go on forever and i produced more fluid, more forcefully than i had ever done before. Was it worth waiting 74 days for? Nahhh…no orgasm is worth 74 days of blue balls.

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Corporal Punishment

boy — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 21:25:56 +0000

A question brought up by my Owner, LadyHotchKiss, has prompted this post. i had come to believe that Her idea of punishment was proper, appropriate and served a good purpose. She has always styled the punishment to relate closely to the infraction and has always striven to ensure the punishment taught a needed lesson. But the more i think about the subject, the more i am coming to believe that corporal punishment also has a place in the M/s dynamic. Unless, of course, the one being punished is indeed a masochist, in which case it does no good at all.

But i am not a masochist and am not speaking to that sort of relationship. Even though LadyH is a Sadist, i do not enjoy pain except insofar as it gives Her pleasure to administer it. And it seems to me, especially if one comes from a childhood background where corporal punishment was administered, that it can definitely have a role in behavior modification. Let me say right now, that corporal punishment should never, EVER, be administered while in a state of anger or when emotions of any kind are running high. It should be delivered deliberately, calmly, coolly and as soon after the infraction as is possible. It can also be given in conjunction with the learning type of punishment described above.

Yes, corporal punishment is negative reinforcement. But i believe negative reinforcement sometimes has it’s place, especially when the behavior is of a negative type rather than an error in judgment, an oversight, or similar type of infraction. It provides a forceful demonstration of the D-types displeasure, allows the D-type to express in no uncertain terms that displeasure and even has a positive effect in that it can provide complete closure to the incident that caused the punishment. This is the sort of punishment that could be used when the s-type exhibits a fit of pique, for example. Or expresses displeasure with a D-types decision, or speaks inappropriately or rudely to the D-type. In other words, it can be used in the case of a relatively minor, behavior type infraction that nonetheless, the D-type wants to quickly put an end to and with little chance of recurrence. For an s-type from a childhood background that included corporal punishment, this sort of action from the D-type can trigger memories and shadows of emotion long buried that may work better than any other type of punishment in modifying an unwanted behavior. For the s-type who never had corporal punishment, the shock value alone will provide tremendous disincentive for a recurrence.

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Orgasm Control

boy — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 10:00:53 +0000

i think i’ve probably written on this subject before, as it’s been a part of my life since i became a member of the House of HotchKiss, but i think, with experience comes maturity and perhaps a different perspective, so it may be time for another iteration. As readers of this blog know, i am owned. Mind, body and spirit, by Lady HotchKiss. As such, She owns my body and has the right to control it any way She chooses. It is no longer my cock, nor my balls…they are Hers to do with as She wishes. There are other parts of me She owns and controls as well, for now i’ll focus on the cock and balls because lately that is where my focus has been. You see…i’m not only under orgasm control…at the moment i am under orgasm denial.

Under normal circumstances, Lady H allows me an orgasmic release once per week. At first, this seemed restrictive as i had been used to releasing several times a week. Now that i am used to it, it seems more than adequate, and i am grateful that Lady H allows me this use of “Her” cock for such a selfish purpose. This control also has an unforeseen benefit as once i got used to it, i no longer thought about it so much, freeing my mind for other, more useful activities (such as blog writing, lol). But every once in while, Lady H changes things up. Just to keep it interesting i suppose.

On Dec 11 of last year, Lady H put me under orgasm denial. Her wording at the time was “until after the New Year”. No problem, thought i…i have been under denial for longer periods in the past and three weeks doesn’t seem too long. And so, i went happily on my way, every once in a while contemplating exactly how i was going to bring in the New Year. As the date grew nearer, a disturbing thought crossed my mind and i quickly pushed it away. Alas, it wouldn’t stay away. It kept returning and came to pretty much dominate much of my waking thoughts. The day after it kept me up most of the night, i determined that i’d better settle the question once and for all and so i asked Her: “HotchKiss, You didn’t specify how long after the New Year i had to wait. Did You mean just until January 1?. A smile crossed Her face. i’ve come to know (and dread) that smile. That’s the smile that comes every time i come to a realization that Her intent was more wicked than i had assumed. Part of my continuing education, i suppose, about assuming things. Her answer?…”W/we’ll just wait and see how it goes”.

So now, i’m right back to thinking about sex all the time. it’s been more than a month and there’s no telling how much longer it will be. i have come dreadfully close to a nocturnal emission on a couple of occasions, wakening in the middle of the night with a raging hard-on and a very sensual dream fresh in my mind, my hand around my(Her) cock, and my (Her) cock throbbing in anticipation of cumming.

i am learning a good deal about self-control. Being able to stop despite knowing how badly my balls are going to ache for the rest of the day is a testament to my devotion to LadyH. i know, i know, some of you reading this are going to think it’s a fear of Her that stops me, but that truly is not the case. LadyH has never done anything to cause me to fear Her. Her punishments are always mild, deserved, and designed not only to fit the crime but to cause me to think about and learn from the problem that caused the punishment, so no…i do not fear Her. i often fear disappointing Her, and that may play a large part in my self-control, but i like to think it is at least 60% devotion to Her and Her wishes. i just wish that She would wish for me to have a release sometime in the near future. Yeah, i know…another nebulous term…just like “sometime after the New Year”.

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Holidays

boy — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 10:29:29 +0000

i’ve come to dislike holidays, as they tend to extend the time span between visits with LadyHotchKiss. This Xmas/NewYear’s was no exception with the added “benefit” of a physical ailment which prohibited both service and play. The day after Xmas, i threw my back out while putting together some exercise equipment. i’d had a back ache for about two weeks prior, but had been going to the chiropractor and believed i had it under control and that it was improving. Then, working on hands and knees (go figure!) putting together a recumbent bicycle, i felt my back tightening and about an hour after i finished….my back was finished. i could barely move. i spent the next week plus largely in bed suffering through ice-packs and visits to the chiropractor, which didn’t seem to help much at all.

On top of all this, i have been under an orgasm denial regimen since Dec 11, and, thoughtful as ever, LadyH extended the period of denial indefinitely in order to allow my back to recover. (It was supposed to end “after the new year”, but hasn’t ended yet). i have already asked Her twice how much longer the denial would last and therefore can’t bring myself to ask again, even though, as of this writing, my back is much better and i expect will have recovered completely within the next day or two. i can only hope that She will read this blog and have mercy!

i hate holidays!

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Ball busting

boy — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:26:02 +0000

As a slave, i am always seeking ways to be more useful and/or entertaining to my Owner. After viewing a clip on ball-busting i knew LadyH would enjoy that activity, i just wasn’t convinced i could handle it. i put the thought out of my mind, but it kept returning. i kept visualizing that clip and the sheer enjoyment on the face of the Domme administering the punishment. i couldn’t stop thinking about how much LadyH would also enjoy it. Finally i brought the subject up with Her as something that i MAY like to explore SOMETIME in the future. i was trying to gauge how much interest She might have in ball-busting. Little did i know how quickly i would find out just how much interest She had in it! It wasn’t two days later that She had me in Her dungeon in the “present” pose while She administered kick after painful kick to my ever-increasingly sensitive balls. Then She had me on my hands and knees while She kicked from behind. The clip i keep referencing showed a sub receiving 4 or 5 well placed kicks. i don’t know how many times LadyH kicked me and reached down and twisted/pulled my balls. i totally lost count but the torture seemed to last forever. It was more excruciating than i could possibly have imagined, though i believe She took it easier on me than She might have.

After i had recovered somewhat, LadyH and i went to lunch, came back and played with the kittens for a while, then She bade me get dressed prior to departure. When i had done so, i returned to the kitchen and instead of assuming the service pose and kissing Her feet, as is our departure protocol, i instead went back to the present pose and offered Her a “parting shot”. BIG mistake. Neither of us realized that when the balls are confined, like in underwear and a pair of jeans, there is little to no room for movement and therefore a kick will compress them much more, resulting in much more pain. Her first kick was a little off-center and bad enough, the second hit me square and drove me immediately to my knees. Thinking i was in no more pain than i had been earlier, Lady H moved behind me and kicked twice more from the rear, both of which were again off-center…and then the coup-de-grace…a flush, full force hit right on the balls which dropped me flat on my face. i literally saw stars. i was in so much agony, i couldn’t move and could barely even moan.

In the future, i will be much more careful about what i ask for, though my desire to please Her may once again overwhelm my common sense. And though She may require a future “parting shot”, i will no longer offer one of my own volition.

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Deleted post

boy — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 20:13:00 +0000

i recently wrote a very egocentric and inappropriate posting for this blog and wish to apologize for it. After considering my words for a couple of days, i found myself embarrassed by what i had written and therefore i have deleted it.

i have found that is one of the problems with blogging. The thoughts one writes down are public as soon as it’s published. i think i need to find a diary site or something similar in which i can write my private thoughts. After further consideration, those private thoughts may be suitable for publishing, but i definitely need a place to privately store them so that i may ponder the validity of my thoughts and edit or delete as necessary before anyone else reads them.

i have always thought of myself as the logical type vs the emotional type, but since entering this relationship with Lady HotchKiss, i find i am much more emotional and therefore have to more carefully consider comments, either written or spoken, before committing to them publicly.

To LadyHotchKiss…i apologize.

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