Owned Boy » Writing

Edge play and injury

boy — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 17:18:43 +0000

i was recently injured during edge play and need to get my thoughts on it down on paper, both for my own benefit and for the other participants. The injury is likely temporary in nature but could easily have been permanent. The injury occurred during a session of rope suspension where i was bound, hands behind my back and suspended horizontally and on my right side. There were three points of suspension with good weight distribution.myself, the rigger and Lady HotchKiss were the only ones there. The rigger was an acquaintance of mine and a good friend to Lady HotchKiss, and knew what She was doing. We had discussed the session by phone and i had researched suspension play online. Prior to starting we again talked about what was to happen including risks and possible injuries. Throughout the entire process, the rigger was completely in touch with me, both mentally and tactilely. She was constantly touching me, asking if anything pinched or hurt, adjusting ropes and knots. This was to be my first suspension and i was quite excited by the prospect as She and LadyH were excited for me. i love bondage and consider suspension play the ultimate in bondage. No matter how tightly bound, if one’s feet are on the ground, there is some sense of control that utterly disappears as soon as one is hoisted into the air. All this is to emphasize that we all knew what we were doing and accepted the risks associated with it.

The only indication that something might be wrong was a fleeting moment of shoulder pain that disappeared as soon as the ropes were slightly adjusted. The sensation of being suspended, completely helpless, was incredible! In that moment all of my senses were fully alive and i was soaring. It was only after my release that i realized something was wrong. My right hand and fingers would not move. At first i thought it was “asleep”, that the blood supply had been restricted enough to cause numbness. Unfortunately that was not the case. One of the dangers we had discussed had, in fact, come to pass. Diagnosis by a neurologist confirmed that the radial nerve had been compressed or crushed by the rope and was no longer transmitting signals to my hand.

The rigger, when informed, was nearly despondent with regret and has yet to decide whether to continue with suspension play. i truly hope She does continue. i cannot think of a single thing She did wrong and was, if anything, cautious to a fault. It was just one of those things. Shit does happen and often to those who don’t deserve it. i knew the risks i was taking and not only accepted them, i embraced them. Had i to do it over again, i would. If given another opportunity to submit to Her ministrations, i will. i trusted Her then, and i trust Her now.

The good news is that my hand is responding to physical therapy and there is no reason to believe i will not have a full recovery.

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Orgasm control – Part VI

boy — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 21:15:39 +0000

This is absolutely ridiculous!!! For months i have struggled with differing forms of orgasm control imposed by my Owner, LadyHotchKiss. i have wondered constantly if there was purpose to Her experimentation or whether She was just amusing Herself. i still don’t know the answer to that, and likely never will, but now that i have been released from all forms of orgasm control, and can cum whenever i choose to, in whatever way i choose…i find that i miss it!!What the fuck??? Did i actually say that??? Did i actually mean it??? YES. i don’t know why exactly, but i do miss it. i suppose it has something to do with the control She exerts over me with orgasm control. i do crave control, part of what makes most submissives submissive in the first place. And when i am under orgasm control, Her control extends beyond Her immediate reach and right into my most private moments. It is also a test of my obedience and devotion and each time i succeed at that test, i think of Her and say to myself “i do this for You”. i have fewer opportunities to please my Owner than a 24/7 slave does and so i relish each one that comes my way.

So now i’m in a quandary. Given that i miss orgasm control, do i ask to be returned to it? That is a two-edged sword that i don’t think i am quite ready to place in Her hands (as if i have a choice in the matter, lol). i may not appreciate at all the form which a new round of orgasm control may take. After all, never cumming again is the ultimate in orgasm control, and i most assuredly do NOT wish for that.

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Names

boy — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 16:37:18 +0000

On this site i am Ownersboy. On another i am KnowmyPlace. Both names were given me by my Owner, LadyHotchKiss and both are meant to remind me that i am a slave. So what does that mean to me? or to Her? There seems to me to be a dichotomy in what my Owner desires in a slave. On the one hand, She demands intelligence, a thinking slave, one who puts Her best interests first, even if it means contradicting Her or Her instructions. She enjoys banter and appreciates wit. When interacting with a slave, She tries to integrate Her own wants and needs with those of Her slave, feeling that a M/s relationship is symbiotic. On the other hand, She tends to keep the slave at an emotional distance, not sharing private thoughts or concerns. When not in use, the slave is rarely considered when making decisions which may in fact, affect the slave. And perhaps that is all as it should be.

In my evolution as a slave, i am finally coming to know that i am merely property. i am there to be used in whatever way my Owner chooses. my primary function within Her house is as a handyman, but as Her slave, i am there to serve. Whether that be in performing handyman functions, cleaning cat litter boxes, washing Her car, or just in providing amusement, my purpose is to serve. Just as a good tool serves, or a piece of furniture, or any other possession. my biggest fault is in becoming too emotionally attached to my Owner. my attachment should be more to service, rather than to Her. Property is not emotional. A tool is not emotional, a chair is not emotional. These are just implements designed to provide service, just as i am an implement to provide service. Once my service is done, i can be put aside and not thought of again until needed or wanted.

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Communication

boy — Thu, 20 May 2010 15:59:40 +0000

Everyone says it…”communication is the key to a successful relationship”. This, of course, is particularly true in the world of BDSM where a failure to communicate under the wrong circumstances can lead to serious injury, but still, it is a given. One of the building blocks as it were, right up there with honesty and openness. I’ve never had a problem with honesty and openness, but the communication part can be a challenge, at least for me.As my readers know, i am a part time slave. i have a regularly scheduled visit with LadyH on tuesday mornings and other irregular and unscheduled visits to attend to my handyman chores. The time that i do have with LadyH is precious to me and therefore, i am loathe to bring up issues or problems, preferring instead to bask in Her presence and enjoy Her company (even when She is beating me or kicking my balls!) rather than embark on any “serious” discussions. Usually when one talks about communication in a relationship, they’re speaking about serious communication where problems and issues are aired and resolved. Combine this reluctance with my innate insecurity and one can imagine how easy it is for my concerns to escalate, sometimes to mind-numbing proportions, before finally being brought out and resolved.

This week, however, i took the bold step and asked the dreaded question…”May i please speak freely?” to which She replied…”You may speak”. Careful readers will note the difference in wording. The last time i spoke “freely”, i let my mouth overrun my brain and the result was not good. So, this time, i carefully worded my concerns. i won’t go into the matter raised, but did want to write about the result. In the past, i have held on to issues much too long before bringing them up to Her. By the time i had voiced whatever concerns were bothering me, i had elevated them in my mind to such huge proportions that the resulting conversations nearly got out of hand and could have damaged the relationship. This time, i did not delay in expressing my concerns. As usual, my fears were unfounded, the concerns easily explainable, and putting them out in the open eased my mind and let me focus more on what’s truly important…my service to LadyHotchKiss.

i’ve always thought that insecurity comes naturally to a submissive…part of the mindset that makes a person submit in the first place. And being insecure to a degree is not necessarily a bad thing. It causes a submissive to want to please, to need to serve, to seek approval. But in the case of communication, i am learning that allowing my insecurities to prevent me from raising valid concerns only makes those concerns grow to unreasonable proportions, and in the long run become damaging to a relationship where there would have been no damage had those concerns been resolved more quickly.

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Service

boy — Wed, 12 May 2010 15:58:41 +0000

i was once again reminded that i am primarily a service submissive. For the past few weeks, i have been unable to spend as much time as i would wish with LadyHotchKiss and tending to Her household handyman needs. There are a number of projects that have been suffering as a result. The play time has not been affected, but i noticed that i was not enjoying the playtime nearly as much. i think it had to do with feelings of guilt that i had not accomplished as much as i wanted to around the house. To be enjoying play time when there is work to be done just doesn’t seem right to me. But then again, play time is not about me or my enjoyment, it is about Her and when She plays with me, it is because She wants to, not because She thinks i want or need it. So there is a conflict there. i want and need to provide for Her amusement during play time and i want/need to serve Her household needs as well. When i am not serving Her household needs, it becomes hard for me to understand why She would want to play with me.

All of this is to say that i don’t think i’ve progressed as far in my development as a slave as i feel i should have by now. Intellectually, i know that what i want is not germane to my service to Her. That i am there for Her to use in whatever way She sees fit at the time. If that is as a handyman, i love it. If that is as a playtoy, i should love it just as much regardless of whether i think i’ve fulfilled my handyman duties. Once again, it comes down to acceptance. Acceptance of my role in Her life and the fact that She will define that role as She sees fit.

Yesterday was our normal play day, but She had indicated that there would be no play, that i was to begin to catch up on my projects. i was confused at that point, thinking i was being punished or that i had disappointed Her in some way, but when i started working on the projects, i felt my mood immediately lifting. There was a joy in accomplishing something needful to Her, that had been missing of late. Later that day, She wanted to try out one of the projects, which was installing medical type stirrups to Her table for use in medical play. She had me strip and lay on the table, then affixed my ankles to the stirrups. She then proceeded to try out the stirrups a bit more forcefully, using a particularly vicious paddle as well as slapping and punching my cock and balls. Throughout most of this, i was giggling in between moans and screams, enjoying the play as i had not enjoyed it in quite some time. The burden of guilt had been lifted from me and i approached Her sadism with a clear mind and heart, allowing me to give myself over to Her completely.

i thanked Her later that day for the time spent with Her, but i don’t think i knew at the moment exactly why i was thanking Her. i knew i felt grateful and wanted to express it, so i did. On further reflection, i have concluded that i was grateful because She recognized my need to be useful to Her and so made it happen. i am back on the path to becoming a better slave.

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Service outside of BDSM

boy — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 22:17:14 +0000

It would be nice if i could live BDSM 24/7, unfortunately (and sometimes fortunately), the rest of the world will sometimes insist that i pay some attention. This blog is about one of those times.

Some of you may or may not remember hearing news stories of a religious group that has taken to protesting at the memorial services of American servicemen killed in the line of duty. When i first heard of them i was appalled. The protests were of the most obnoxious, ignoble type with people holding up banners and signs with messages such as “I’m glad your son is dead!”

Those of you who know me personally know that i am a staunch defender of the rights that American citizens enjoy, among them being the right to freedom of expression and the right to gather peaceably. i do not begrudge these people their right to protest, but i strongly object to their choice of venue as that choice impinges on the right of grieving family members to bid farewell to a loved one.

Some of you also know that i bought a motorcycle last summer. Shortly thereafter, i learned of a group of motorcycle riders, the Patriot Guard Riders, (the term patriot refers to the deceased…not the rider) who have taken on the mission of protecting those mourners from the visual assault being perpetrated by the protest group. They are from all walks of life…veterans and non-veterans, male, female, businessmen and laborers, all coming together with a common goal: To peacefully shield the bereaved, at the family’s specific request, from the sight of the inappropriate behavior of these protesters.

Last week, i went on my first ride as a Patriot Guard Rider . It was one of the most moving experiences of my life and i am thankful to have been able to participate in it. The deceased was a 26 year old young man who had served 6 years in the military with two tours of duty in the war zones of the Middle East. His job was such that he was placed in personal danger every day that he was there. One year after his separation from the service and return home, he died from an enlarged heart, leaving a young wife and a two year old daughter.

The Patriot Guard Riders mustered at the funeral home, and provided an honor guard of flag bearers that the mourners walked between on entry to the facility. Afterward, we escorted the funeral procession over 40 miles to the burial site at a National Cemetery here in Georgia. There was a police escort assigned to us, but along the way, we kept picking up more escorts, police and bike riders, who would ride with us as far as they could. At one point, a major highway (285, for those of you who know the Atlanta area) was virtually shut down as we proceeded from Norcross to Canton, Ga. The procession included over 30 motorcycles in addition to the army of mourners.

At a National Cemetery, the deceased is always brought to one of the pavilions scattered through the site, where the funeral service is held. The deceased is then interred afterward. The Patriot Guard Riders, each with an American flag in hand, encircled the pavilion, leaving an arch of flags at the entrance through which the mourners filed. When all were seated, the riders forming the arch closed ranks around the pavilion. The purpose of this was so that whenever any of the mourners looked in any direction, it was not protesters that they saw, but rather an American flag.

After the ceremony, we repaired to a local restaurant that has sort of adopted the riders and were in the process of ordering lunch when we were surprisingly approached by the young widow. She stood before us, and with tears streaming down her face, haltingly told us how much she appreciated what we had done for her and her husband. It seems that she and her brothers were looking for a place to eat when they spotted our flag bedecked motorcycles, and she insisted that they stop there, so she could personally thank us.

i am not able to go on every ride for which i receive notification, but i will go on all that i can. It’s the least i can do to honor these American heroes.

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Social Networks

boy — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 15:55:19 +0000

Social networks such as Fetlife and Collarme can provide very useful functions for those of us in the BDSM “lifestyle”. They can be places to meet others of like mind, both in your area and around the world, places to go to learn about different kinks and other activities, places to go to just play and have fun with new found friends. But there is a danger there too. We can become so wrapped up in that internet life that it becomes too real, we take things too seriously, we develop “friendships” with people we don’t really know well enough to call a friend, we end up trusting people that should not be trusted. This is not just limited to BDSM related sites, but to social networks of all kinds. Nearly every day there are news stories about internet “bullying” and conflicts, especially with younger people. But it’s not limited to kids either. People can go into chat rooms or discussion threads, and through naivety, ignorance or just plain inexperience, ask questions or solicit advice only to be verbally excoriated or harassed by others. It happens more to those who are relatively new to a site, by those who have been around for a while. Excuses are made about questions and situations being posed over and over again ad nauseum and how newbies should take the time to read previous posts on the subject, etc, etc, etc. Those with barbs such as that don’t remember their first few days or weeks on the site, nor the repetitive or inane questions they themselves may have asked, they only remember reading similar posts a number of times. i guess they’d want newbies to spends weeks reading the hundreds or thousands of posts they themselves have read over a period of time and just stay the hell out of discussions until they’ve accumulated enough knowledge that they never have to ask questions. Like their tormentors, they would at that point know everything there is to be known and can just sit back and chat about how smart or urbane they must be. Every once in a while someone will ask “where is so-and-so? i haven’t seen him/her in a long while.” Quite often, the answer is that they, like me, have tired of being involved in all the verbal nastiness.

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Anniversaries

boy — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:27:03 +0000

This entry contains suppositions and possible assumptions that may or may not be accurate. They are, however, a reflection of my perceptions and therefore valid as points of discussion and/or contemplation.

There seem to be more anniversaries in a BDSM relationship than in a vanilla one. Most in a vanilla relationship celebrate their wedding days, but that’s about it. But what about BDSM relationships? The dates that seem significant to one partner may not be as significant to the other. In my relationship with LadyH, there are two significant dates, so far. The date i became Her submissive, and the date i became Her slave. If or when a collar is ever offered there will be a third, but of the two now present, each means something different to each of U/us. For LadyH, the date of surrender as a submissive seems more important, and for me, the date She took ownership of me as Her slave seems more important. Examining the relationship and O/our roles within it provides clues as to why this might be so. my surrender to Her may be more important to LadyH because it is something i did for Her. i actively performed an action which meant something to Her. Without my action, it would not have happened. i surrendered myself to Her in submission and She accepted. Whether She thinks of that act as a “gift” as so many do, is a subject for another day, but the act of surrendering is an act i performed in submission to Her. And so, i believe, it carries some import to Her.

Her ownership of me, on the other hand, is something She did for (or to, lol) me. She actively performed an action which meant something to me. Without Her action, it would not have happened. She offered ownership to me and i accepted. And so, it carries some import to me.

Two dates. She looks on the day i surrendered as O/our anniversary, and while i acknowledge that it is an anniversary, so is the date She took ownership of me. And being owned is more important to me than submitting. So i look on that date as O/our anniversary, as that is the date the relationship became something more than a sub serving a Domme. That is the date i became part of Her family, the date i became Hers.

For U/us, there are two significant dates with the possibility of a third. Others may have even more, with marriage thrown in as well.

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Live and Learn

boy — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 19:36:44 +0000

As an s-type, what does the phrase “may i speak freely?” mean to you? i can tell you what it does not mean. It does not mean that one can speak from anger, or, more commonly, frustration or that one can show disrespect in one’s attitude or demeanor. Speaking freely means that one can discuss (stress DISCUSS) any subject. If there is a subject that is bothering you so much that you cannot contain your frustration when trying to speak of it, then now is not the time to speak of it. Wait until you’ve had a chance to recognize that your frustration is not going to help resolve matters, but rather will hinder that resolution. This is a dual-edged sword. Refraining from speaking of the issue can quickly add to the frustration, but letting the frustration get the better of the conversation is not only self-defeating, it is destructive. A relationship that has taken months or years to build up and solidify can be severely damaged by the outbreaks which can result from expressing frustration.

To avoid this, sit by yourself and calmly, without emotion, examine the issue(s) which have led you to this point. After you have done so, then ask if you may speak freely. You may even want to preface your comments by telling your D-type that the issue you want to discuss has been frustrating you and in that way, give Him or Her a heads-up that this issue is important enough to you to cause that sort of reaction. You may even want to ask your D-type to develop some sort of hand signal to use so that, without interrupting you, He or She can signal you to calm yourself a bit before continuing.
We all have times when our emotions and frustrations get the better of us. This is an issue i’ve had difficulty with and i am determined to remove that difficulty from my service. Learning how to deal with it before involving my Owner will make me a better s-type and improve my service to Her.

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Play Sessions

boy — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 01:27:39 +0000

Those who have read some of these pages know that i prefer to write from a humorous point of view. i think this posting is going to be of a more serious nature, as the last of LadyHotchKiss’s play sessions with me was of a more serious nature. W/we got back to some basics, which caused me to consider whether what we do is truly play or not.

As an Owner and a Domme, there are none better than LadyHotchKiss. But that does not give you Her complete picture as She is also a Sadist. It is a separate and distinct part of Her personality, something She brings to the relationship as an addition to rather than a part of Her Dominance. It is a side of Her that needs attention just as much as She needs obedience, just as much as Her House needs handyman work. It is a part of Her that needs “service”. In my humble opinion, exercising Her sadism is as necessary to Her state of mind, Her peace of mind, Her mental well-being, as is a good night’s sleep, or a satisfying conclusion to a piece of work. Without exercising Her sadism, something is missing from Her life and it affects Her just as missing any other necessary component of Her life would affect Her.

As a slave, i am also submissive. And that too, is a distinct and separate part of who i am and what i bring to a relationship. One can be a slave without being submissive. One can be submissive without being a slave. i am a slave who also happens to be submissive. As a slave, i work in Her House making minor repairs, cleaning, etc. Whatever needs to be done at the time, i do. But as a submissive, i need to cede control to Her and there is no time where that control is more fully given, nor fully taken, than during a “play” session. It is then that my freedom is totally taken from me, whether i’ve been hung on the St Andrews cross, chained to Her table, or simply given an order to not move while She kicks me in the crotch, i am under Her complete control. It is that level of control that is only attained during O/our sessions and it is that level of control which i “need” to give up on at least an occasional basis in order to meet my needs as a submissive.
All of this is to say that O/our “play” sessions, are not play at all. They are exercises in that which each of U/us needs. They are Her outlet for Her sadism, they are my outlet for my ceding control. To allow Her to hurt me is a service to Her that i give freely or that She takes, depending on which side of the coin one is looking at. Serving Her is my purpose when i am with Her. i do not and never have enjoyed pain. i do enjoy serving Her, i do enjoy bringing Her pleasure, i do enjoy providing that outlet for Her sadism. And for myself, i enjoy the results of the endorphin release which only She has ever brought about. But accepting Her pain is anything but “play”. When i know that O/our session is to be about pain, i dread approaching Her House, but i could no more not approach, than i could stop breathing. During our sessions, when i am moaning, whimpering, or screaming, i am thinking only to hang on until it is over, as i know it will eventually be over. After our sessions, i glory in Her aftercare, knowing that i have pleased Her, and reveling in the subspace She has provided.

No, these are not “play” sessions…for me, they are service sessions.

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